Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Happy (belated) Mother's Day

I hope all you mothers reading this had a wonderful day...you deserve it! And a special wish to my Mom.... we didn't make it down to visit this weekend, but you know I love you and I hope you had a good day with your other #1 daughter!

First, I got treated to some beautiful gifts made with love by my boys. Then I got treated to breakfast made by all my boys. Tom gave me a beautiful lamp (Lampe Berger) that is supposed to clean the air of bacteria as well as scenting the room. (It's a case of "great minds think alike"... I had heard about these lamps from my massage therapist and was planning on investigating further, but surprise, surprise, Tom heard about them from someone too and bought me one!). Anways, back to our day....We went to Wings of Paradise in Cambridge. We've been there many times before, but the kids (particularly Kurtis) still love to go. He finds the butterflies and the bugs they have on display fascinating.

Thank you Tom, Kurtis and Ryan for making my day!

I don't remember where I saw the following article, but I kept it because it really reminded me about what's important in being a parent, and for some reason, found it again today. Enjoy.

On Being Mom
by Anna Quindlen

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin. ALL MY BABIES are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: Three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast; three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them; who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry; who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy; who want to keep their doors closed more than I like; who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past. Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages, dust would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One boy is toilet trained at 3, his brother at 2. When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month-old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too. Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, "What did you get wrong?" (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking? But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.


Mauzy said...

Happy Mothers Day Annette!! From one mom who wings it daily.....


Tara Marie said...

Happy Mother's Day.......it sounds like you had an amazing day and what a beautiful article.

Thinking of you...and I agree with Jan...you look just beautiful and vibrant!!!

Love, TM

Mis said...

You really look beautiful! I hope that you're feeling just as good. Thanks for that article...it made me all weepy!!!! Happy belated mom's day!

Michelle said...

A happy belated mother's day to you! Sounds like it was wonderful!

I received the same type of lamp for Mother's Day as well! It's from a different company, but it's supposed to do those same things...remove stuff from the ait and give off a nice smell - I haven't used it yet though since we just got back from vacation :)

Christina said...

Hello, I just found your blog via Michelle at Big Blueberry Eyes! I am glad you had a great mothersday. Your blog is amazing, I am sitting here in Austria with tears streaming down my face. You are so amazingly strong!
The reason I decided to post on this day is that this mothersday (May 14th here in Austria) we were told that the doctors suspected our 3 days old son of having DS. As most others who find out, we were devastated at first, but we actually got over it very fast. Of course I still have my ups and downs, my little angel Vincent (or Prince Vince as I also call him) is now 3.5 months old. I love him so much my heart is breaking, and he just fills our lives with joy. I hope it is OK that I linked your blog from my page, I would love to keep reading about your familya nd your recovery. I am sure you going to beat cancer. We need you around for our DS club!
Wishing you the best,