Tom and I met with my doctor yesterday to get results of the latest CT scan.
The results were not good. Not good at all. The scan showed growth that obviously just occurred over the past couple of months so it is painfully apparent that the chemotherapy has stopped working. I've had 9 months of stability and hope - and for that I'm thankful. But I'm devastated that it's ended. Devastated really isn't a strong enough word, but I don't know anything that can really express the despair that went through me.
Thankfully we do have some hope. There is another clinical trial that my doctor wants to try. It should be available in September. In the meantime, we'll continue investigating other options across Canada and the U.S. I'll also be starting the i.v. vitamin C which I wasn't able to do since I was on the clinical trial. I'll be trying anything I can that will help build my immune system - and I'll probably become one of those people who'll try anything if they say it'll help!
And, in a weird way, I'm looking forward to being off chemo for a while. I've been doing chemotherapy for 15 months now with only a few small breaks. So, I'm looking forward to gaining some strength back and to gaining some weight back.
So all I can do now is pray and ask for your prayers. I have been crying a lot, but mostly, right now, I think I'm in denial and in some depression. I am also really unable to talk about it right now and perhaps just need a few days to deal with it.
I was just re-reading the post I wrote the last time we got bad news and the Bible verse I wrote down back then was from Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me." Then, on Monday night, Kurtis and I were reading from a devotional book that he has - it's geared for boys age 6-9. We're not overly diligent about doing it, but that night we read about "God's Awesome Care". The verse was "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want" (Psalm 23:1) with the comment, "I am one of God's sheep". The reading discussed a boy who was worried about his track meet the next day with the Mother replying that God is like a shepherd to us and wants to help us in all we do. The discussion then talked about what worries have and how we can allow God to be our shepherd and how we can allow God to help us when we are afraid or nervous. It's amazing how God speaks to us and gives us what we need, even when we don't overtly ask for it. This verse and this devotional was exactly what I needed to hear to remind me that God is ALWAYS nearby and is taking care of us. And right now, I am going to work on letting God lead me like a sheep who doesn't know where to go.
Only You know how terrified we are right now. The future is so scary. I know that, if worst comes to worst, I will be healed in heaven and I will see You face-to-face in your glory...but Lord, I need to be healed here on earth. Lord, you know how often I, along with many others, have prayed for complete physical healing. I pray for that again. God, I ask that you heal me physically, fully and completely. I also ask for peace for me, Tom, my Dad, my sister and my dear friends and family. Help us to trust you wherever you may lead us. I know that, whatever happens, you are using my life to your glory.
P.S. I also ask that you keep Marissa in your prayers. She is also facing some uncertainty with respect to test results.