Friday, April 07, 2006

Calling all comedians!

I truly do believe that laughter is great medicine. So on that note, please send me all your funniest jokes.. Ok, even if they're just chuckle-worthy, send them anyways. Here's one that's kept me laughing for a while..

Why are do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
Because otherwise they'd be called bay-gulls!

well,,, I thought it was cute.

9 comments:

Stephanie said...

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Anonymous said...

From your darling neice:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sara
Sara who?
Sara doctor in the house?

Julie (lovingemily) said...

Annette, here is one for you. I heard this years ago and I still think it is cute! Hope you are doing better. You are in our thoughts and prayers every day!
Hugs
Julie and Emily (T21 board)

A college student decided to take an ornithology class as an elective. His grandfather had always taken him bird watching so he thought it would be an easy A.

The first few weeks went well, the professor was a little different but he figured anyone that studies birds for a lifetime had to be.

As his first exam approached he studied hard - he wanted to make his grandfather proud. The exam was to cover north american songbirds, so he figured it couldn't be too hard.

The morning of the exam he arrived in class and felt pretty confident. The professor distributed the exam and the instructions said "Identify the birds on the following pages, and list any information you know about the bird below the photo"

He turned the page and much to his dismay it was filled with pictures of bird's legs! He couldn't believe his eyes! How was he supposed to identify a bird simply from its legs?

So he got up and took his paper to the professor. "Excuse me, but this is rediculous! I don't believe anyone will pass this test! NOBODY can identify a bird only by its legs!"

The professor, visibly irritated by the student, told him that if he had studied harder he would've been able to pass the test.

The student, now angry at the professor for accusing him of not studying, slammed his blank exam on the professor's desk and headed for the door.

The professor hollered after him "Young man, if you walk out of my class you are not welcome back! What is your name, anyway?"

The student turned around and calmly dropped his pants to his ankles and said "You tell me!"

Charmian said...

Hi Annette,

These jokes are "Out of the Mouths of Babes" from
www.humormatters.com. I hope you like them.
Charmian

ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE:

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he was giving his preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third row leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son, Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he make so much of it?"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

=========
That's enough for now. I'll send more later.
Charmian

Denise said...

This seems to be only funny to those over the age of 30, as I shared with some of the spring chickens that I work with and they did not seem to get as much enjoyment out of it as I did!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH
ways through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on
their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a
Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local
textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I
grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like
that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that.I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around
and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you
kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a
kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to
go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it
in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you
had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You
had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a
copy of Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we
didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea
who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie,
a girl/boy friend you were trying to avoid. your drug
dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick
it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had to play Centipede and Pacman at the mall.

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders"
and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple
levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never
win.The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until
you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad
with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15
channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to
use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were
screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and
walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network
either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what
I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ...
we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If
we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over
the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Denise said...

Sorry if my joke had a few offensive words to some as I did not think to reread the joke before I cut and paste! That is another thing about this new age, if I had to type it with a typewriter I would have noticed and changed a couple of words.
Denise

Anonymous said...

Hi Annette

I can't believe that the last joke was from my sweet daughter.

And do you kids know that we are always watching?

Love from Aunt Terry

Tara Marie said...

Knock, knock:

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you!!! [I love you!]

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money